I am NOT that girl who is sad about getting older. I don't think it's a big deal to age. It's a part of life and it brings new chapters. So in closing out my twenties I've been thinking what I learned, things I will take with me, and things I want to leave behind me. Here are just a few of my favorite lessons and insights...
- Stop talking about your weight. Nobody cares. Just because you talk about how fat you think you are or how skinny you used to be...it doesn't make people think "well, at least she WANTS to be thin." All it does is teach our husbands, SONS AND DAUGHTERS, that women should be defined by their size. Yes, be healthy, stay active, eat right...but don't talk about it all the time. I've actually phased out some friends b/c it seems that conversations are mainly about physical appearance, and having two daughters in my life I just don't want any of that focus to be apart of our life. Now I know I sound like a hypocrite, of course I talk about calories and my love handles, but I've gotten much better and it's something I am constantly aware of and working on.
- Let it go. This is one I have only been practicing for the last year and I think it has made the largest difference in my life. Especially in marriage. I have always been the type to think "what have we learned from this? How can we avoid this again?" Truth is that people are going to rub us wrong. We're going to have a bad day, or they're going to have a bad day. We will not see eye to eye with most people ALL the time. So just LET IT GO.
He who takes offense when none is intended is a fool, he who takes offense when offense is intended is a bigger fool. --Confucious
- STEP UP. I would love to sit back and just follow along. Sometimes I wish that were my personality. I think we have a lot of expectations of what we think our husband should be. What we think he should do. For example, consistent yard work, initiate FHE, make a big deal about your birthday, take the kids out for ice-cream without being asked to do so...etc. But the truth of the matter is that our husbands can't be great at everything all the time. Just like us, they have their strengths, and those come and go. So if you see something you wish your husband would do...stop thinking disappointing thoughts about him and step up and do it yourself. If he doesn't do the yard work, then on Saturday tell him to keep an eye on the kids while you go out there and do it. If he forgets your birthday, remind him multiple times the week leading up to it what day it is, and what you would like him to do, get a gift, an act of service, write a card, etc. It can be very exhausting if you feel like you are always the one to come up with the solutions to your problems, or to make the first move, but the truth is that somebody has to do it. There is nothing wrong with it being you. It is better to have a great marriage and good family life, then to have your home in disarray because you want to stand your ground.
- IT DOESN'T HURT TO ASK
I have found that there is an exception to virtually every rule. Being rude does not get you what you need. Playing the victim does not get you what you want. But just be completely honest, be sure to include flattery, and throw in a little bit (or a lot) of dry humor can get you just about anything. I have talked my way out of multiple speeding tickets, late charges, and even warranties. I have talked my way into free movie showing, free car maintenance, and free food. Not because I'm fake or rude, but because I think people want to give others a good deal, but they want to connect with them in the process. Give it a try, it never hurts to ask.
- CLEAR YOUR PLATE.
I have had this happen to me multiple times in a year. I get so many projects and activities going that I find myself getting short and frustrated with the girls. It's ironic, because THEY are the ones who I am doing all of this for. And yet they don't NEED it. All they want is ME. So be careful that blogging, face book, scrapbooks, DIY projects, side jobs, a clean house, full time jobs, callings, bunko, book club, working out, girls night, etc. doesn't build up so much that you have nothing left to give but fried nerves and exasperated breaths to your little ones who will be grown in the blink of en eye.
- Don't let yourself be put on the spot. I hate getting voice mails saying "Hey I have a huge favor to ask...call me back." Just leave me the task or favor you want done, let me look into it, and then I will call you back. I have always struggled with not wanting to disappoint people. So it used to be when I was invited or asked to do something I would say yes, but then dread it and regret it later. So now when someones asks me to do something, instead of giving an awkward lie or a reluctant yes, I just say "Let me get back to you on that." There is nothing wrong with that.
- Put your husband first. My friend Natalie gave me this advice and I think it's really good. This was in regards to Christmas. But she told me to never skimp on my husband. If we're dead broke, make my parents a coupon book of services, or a home made gift. But your spouse is the person you live with day in and day out, they're supposed to matter the most to you. What kind of message do you send when you say...."I know our budget is tight. And you're the first on the list to be crossed off." This goes into many other areas, but with Christmas coming up, it was at the front of my mind.
- Motherhood is a privilege, not a right. Of all the different lots in life and all the different reasons people say "that's not fair!" I think that never having children is one that doesn't get the heartbreaking recognition it deserves. I heard a quote once that kind of offended me because it is unfortunately not true. It said "Of all the rights of women, motherhood is the greatest." But unfortunately, my quote I have listed in bold letters is the one that is true. More and more women today seem to really struggle with infertility. Perhaps it's not fertility that is the set back in having children, perhaps it is not finding a good man to be the father. I mean really, don't we all know a large handful of amazing women in their thirties who are unmarried? And how many amazing men do we know to set them up with....hmmmm. I think we all need to be more aware that if we are blessed to bare our own children that not only do we need to cherish them, but share them with others. And I think we can all use a little bit more compassion for those who do not have families of their own, because that is a struggle that unless you've been through it, surely the rest of us can not comprehend.
I'm sure many more lessons will come to me. But these are the ones that have been at the forefront of my mind. So farewell twenties. I am so glad I traveled the world, lived carefree, and then near the end I had the bottom fall out and I learned my most valuable lessons. I am also glad I was able to put it all back together again so I am on solid ground to start my thirties. I will miss you twenties...but probably not sorely miss you, just miss you a normal amount...some day.
